Why is saying no so difficult for so many people so much of the time? It’s just one little word after all but some people can get twisted in knots when having to refuse a request. What can possibly make it so hard?

From a Transactional Analysis (TA) perspective, It’s because saying no to another can be a psychological threat to self. This is different from when it’s logical to defer to a senior because refusing would be career-limiting! I’m talking about the times you find yourself saying yes automatically, knowing that it’s not what your logical ‘Adult’ self would choose to do.

This builds on an early blog on Driver Behaviour and in particular the driver involved here is usually to Please Others. If I’m running this driver program, then unconsciously I believe that I can only be Okay (safe)  if I Please. So to not please carries a huge amount of psychological threat…

We learned this driver behaviour as children when we learned that to please an authority figure resulted in recognition, acknowledgement or simply feeling good, and this  was later reinforced at school, college and early work roles. Now when we have to say “no” and maintain a boundary, it’s going against our programming…it’s threatening. Not to us as Adults, but to the Child parts that are still desperate to please. So when we’re running the Driver to Please and we want to say no and can’t, it’s our Child ego state that’s really in control. Our Adult is ‘contaminated’ by Child.

This issue comes up repeatedly in coaching engagements and our job in TA terms is to help the client gain autonomy and deal with the challenge from the Adult ego state, in the here and now.

One of the ways that I’ve found useful is to bring the Adult forward by asking about logical consequences and how those consequences play out. Take the example of a client becoming overwhelmed because they’re taking on too much because they struggle to say no and set boundaries. A question one might use is “What are you saying no to if you say yes to this?” Answers may include their family or their reputation and career prospects. Significant stuff when viewed from the Adult and a bit more ‘zoomed out’ In terms of timescales. Spending time exploring these consequences brings the Adult to the fore and puts the unconscious driver in perspective. Tuning in to and relating consequences to the values you know they hold dear can be incredibly effective.

I hope this more psychodynamic approach will help you and your clients deal with the challenge of saying no and setting effective boundaries.

This blog post is part of a collaboration between two Executive Coaches Sarah Turner and Gregor Findlay, co-hosts of The Coaching Question Podcast. This blog features as part of a special series on the topic of Transaction Analysis in Coaching. Check out the podcast here.

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