I am a recovering perfectionist. It took me a long time to discover just how high my standards were; it had become such an ingrained behavioural pattern that I had learned as a child that I hadn’t realised just how much it was holding me back until I became a coach. Even then, it took a few years and a lot of coaching, reading and self-development to open my eyes to the reality of my behavioural tendencies and the impact it was having on my wellbeing.

A strive for flawlessness with a tendency to be overly critical

Thomas Curran is a psychologist and researcher at the London School of Economics who has spent a lot of time studying perfectionism. He describes it as having two aspects; a strive for flawlessness combined with a tendency to be overly critical. So, it isn’t just about having high standards or aiming for exceptional quality, it is the combination of this with an internal critical voice. 

Perfectionism can show up in different ways too. A study by Hewitt and Flett (1991) defined perfectionism as multi-dimensional. Individuals tend to hold themselves to high standards, project those high standards on to others and believe that others evaluate them as harshly as they evaluate themselves. It can be pretty brutal.

We learn perfectionism from our family

As a systemic practitioner, I am particularly interested in how human beings are shaped by their experiences.  Starting in our family of origin, we learn, even before we can talk, how we need to behave in order to gain the approval and attention of our parents and other authority figures. Unconsciously we may attempt to belong and connect with our parents by being ‘seen’. For example, being a “good girl”, excelling academically or being quiet and staying out of the way.

These behavioural patterns can take root from a young age, often driven by a need for control to avoid feelings of shame or embarrassment. When I explore these behavioural tendencies in my coaching practice, my clients will often share an early memory such as recalling being at school and having their work criticised in front of the class.

We learn perfectionism from society

Of course, our family of origin isn’t the only place that we learn successful behavioural strategies. The education system celebrates high standards, friendship groups prompt constant comparison and the world of social media portrays unrealistic expectations of a ‘perfect life’ or a ‘perfect body’. I have two teenage daughters and the number of conversations we have about body image, grades at school, self-esteem and numerous other worries illustrates just how easily perfectionist behaviours can be learned and take root.

How perfectionism shows up

In my coaching practice, perfectionism may show up in different ways. I often hear it in my client’s language when they judge themselves harshly or use words such as “should”. It may also show up in their body language as they fold their arms or keep their body small and contained. Sometimes it reveals itself through the expression of emotions in the form of tears. Or I might notice it in my own body as I experience a knot in my stomach or feelings of anxiety and breathlessness in my chest – these can be a parallel process as my experience of my client in the coaching room mirrors their own experience in the here-and-now.

These observations could indicate the presence of an internal critical voice in my client – a voice that keeps them caught up in a cycle of needing to prove themselves, setting unrealistic expectations and then being self-critical when the expectations aren’t met.

How to unlearn perfectionism

Personally, it was only when I realised how much of an impact my perfectionistic tendencies were having on my wellbeing that I acknowledged I needed to do something differently. Oftentimes, it takes the honest challenge of a coach to recognise that you are caught up in an unhealthy cycle and living with a loud internal critical voice.

Breathe deeply

The first step in starting to make a change is learning to breathe deeply. This might sound deceptively simple. However, many people habitually take short, shallow breaths and intentionally taking slow deep belly breaths can calm down the para-sympathetic nervous system and slow down the heart rate instantly leading to a greater sense of well-being.

Be curious

Secondly, I’d invite you to be curious.  Learn to become an observer of yourself and notice your own internal critical voice. Be curious about what this voice says, when does it show up and how you feel in your body when the voice is on full volume? Become aware of your emotions. We often avoid discomfort, but try and be courageous as you turn towards the painful thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. Ask yourself, what is this feeling? What is it here to tell me? What would be the most helpful thing I could do now?

Take charge of your brain

Thirdly, allow yourself to consider that you are in charge of your brain, not the other way around. Rather than allowing the internal critical voice to be on full volume and dominating your thoughts with a relentless monologue, invite in more of a dialogue. By introducing a more compassionate voice, you will find that the inner critic’s volume will reduce. To discover your more compassionate voice, think of a special person in your life whom you love and who loves you. What would they say to you? How would they respond to the things your internal critic says?

Be courageous

Finally, be courageous. Unlearning a habit that has taken a lifetime to establish can be challenging. Find small ways to start to change your mind-set. Mantras such as “it just needs to be good enough” or “dare to begin” can be useful, as can taking a moment every day to celebrate what has gone well. Seek out help and support with your friends and family and consider working with a coach or even a therapist if you feel that working through some of your past experiences at a deeper level would be useful.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and if you try out some of the strategies I have shared, get in touch to let me know how you get on!